Lemony Webbles

beyond good/bad mom

I'm writing this post with the keyboard actually placed on Teresa's lap while she's nursing and mostly sleeping, nesteld in blankets to kind of absorb the shock of the typing. Have you ever tried to type quietly? It's pretty weird, and pretty much impossible. But Teresa's a tolerant sort of person, and the loud hum of that fan in the computer keeps her asleep.

I've been thinking lately about the words good mom and bad mom. Since language both describes and shapes society, it seems important to me to improve our language along with our conceptions of social roles. I want to see growth in the area of how mothers talk about themselves and other moms. Just think of how it feels if you try calling yourself a bad mom (if you're not a mom, just pretend. it'll be fun) Do you feel like you can or want to behave kindly and responsibly toward your children? Or do you feel defeated and misunderstood? Now try calling yourself a good mom. Do you feel releived, like you've made it into some club of good moms? Or do you feel a little uneasy at the lack of meaning and disconnect from the complexities of actual parenting? Come on! We can do better than this! It doesn't really help to judge ourselves on such a meaningless scale. Judging doesn't necessarily help make change and growth happen anyways. Have you ever heard anyone say, "I felt like such a bad employee today'? I didn't think so. So let's open up the discussion to more precise descriptors that might actually be useful. How about hustle and flow, how about transformative days, how about creativity boosting to get over the dullness of routines, how about creating circles of community, learning to be better examples of virtues that we want our children to posses? How about talking about off days or weeks, disonnecting and reconnecting with kids, dealing with the ups and downs of hormones and moods and whatever challenges you're facing right now as a person?

Parenting is a huge responsibility but we don't need to feel self-denigrating or so absurdly judgemental about it. We could just try to be humble about the awesome task of forming another person's view of the world, and with that mindfulness, be confident in God's assistance. Today I'm a contemplative mom, tomorrow I may be a weary mom, or maybe a peaceful or joyful or grouchy mom. There's just so much more that can be said than bad or good.

watch the baby grow!

In honor of Teresa's first 100 days (coming up in a few days), here's her wonderful growth, charted by her red onesie.

Big (ok, small)

Bigger

Bigger

Biggest!

Now she's too big for that onesie! Here she is in her beautiful holy day outfit, courtesy of Layli, doing her favorite activity- fingers in mouth, eyes adoringly on daddy

sleeping Teresa

Ahh, so peaceful!

Busted!

So later that same day, Georgia mused, "So the tooth fairy's real huh? Nadine said the tooth fairy is fake. Momma, did you put that dollar under my pillow?" I couldn't lie to her when asked point blank so I told her the truth, that daddy and I are the tooth fairy. She didn't seem disappointed. In fact, I think she was relieved to have her understanding of the world confirmed instead of shaken up.

On a related note, I happened to meet up at the park with the family whose daughter Georgia told, "There's no such thing as Santa Claus" back in December. They were really nice to me so I eventually told the mom that I thought they never wanted to talk to me again after that happened, and she diabused me of that notion. She said that the older brother had told little Dana about Santa and the tooth fairy long ago. So we had a nice reunion there and played for a long time.

the tooth fairy lives

Georgia lost her first tooth yesterday! She looks so much older with the 'gone spot' in her smile. I'll try to get a picture of it, but it may be a while. She doesn't allow pictures to be taken of her lately. She put it under her pillow and the 'tooth fairy' gave her five bucks in exchange. When I was little my teeth only brought a quarter, but what can you buy with a quarter? She woke us all excitedly this morning with, "So the tooth fairy is real. She gave me a dollar five!" After explaining that five dollars is a lot more than a dollar five, I started to feel guilty about deceiving her about tooth fairies. I mean, we made it very clear that Santa Claus was just a story, so why be inconsistent? I guess its because I really couldn't bring myself to say that fairies aren't real. Peter Pan goes way down deep in my psyche and I don't want go around saying THAT because we all know that when someone says THAT a fairy somewhere falls down dead. I need a little magic in my life. So for now, at least, the tooth fairy is alive and well at our house.

The Conservation of Love

This is the way I write poetry: it doesn't rhyme at all or have any kind of meter. It doesn't always make sense all the way through from the beginning to the end, but that's because I only write poems about things that I don't really understand well enough to be clear about. If I was, I would just write like I usually write. They are just things I'm playing with in my head, trying to figure out. Or sometimes they're really opaque because I'm trying to say something without going into personal detail so I kind of write in code, or metaphor, or whatever.

This poem also is based on some quote I heard but I have no idea where, could be Mother Teresa, could be Berenstain Bears, who knows. My life is too much of a blur right now to really remember. But it was about loving never being a waste of time. And it stuck to something in my brain and so there it is.

Here's the poem:

Love, once given, is never lost.
Although sometimes it stays invisible for a while.
But that's just because it has evaporated into thousands of little love particles
so it can play with an inviting breeze
or swirl around for a while until it's dizzy
before it settles down again and coalesces into a new shape,
usually unexpected, but definitely familiar
in a de ja vu kind of way.

So no need to worry about people you love going far away.
Even if you never see them again with these eyes,
all that love is still bouncing around,
doing it's magical work.
Conserved
like more common matter
in one state or another.

And I guess that also implies that it's a pretty good idea to put it out there
in the first place.

little smile

Here's the latest from Teresa:

Trying to get her to smile for the camera. I really need to bring the camera next to my pillow at night and get her first smile of the day because it's just huge! So far, though, she thinks that metal thing in her face is not worth smiling at, even if mommy is behind it.

Here's her sleepy smile. She suddenly loves the Baby Bjorn because she can be bounced and suck on her hand and/or a parental finger at the same time!

She's looking at the trees there with great wonder. Too bad I couldn't get Billy in focus too.

more baby birdies

I peeked in the bird's nest again yesterday and saw that there are now two baby birdies in there and two more eggs to boot! I will leave them alone now so I don't scare the mama away, but ooo they are so cute!

My baby birdie, Teresa, has been getting really social all of a sudden. She's really cooing and smiling away and trying to communicate. It's a lot of fun to interact with her and see her wide-eyed wonder when I imitate her sounds and expressions. She also had her two month check up recently and she weighed in at 10 lbs 12.5 oz. Woo hoo! She's not so delicate and skinny any more so I'm not so nervous about her well being. She's getting a little chubby! Yeah! She had her first round of immunizations and took it well. She was REALLY MAD, her face turned almost purple with crying (I was going to say rage but that doesn't sound right for a baby). When she recovered from the inhumanity of it all, she did really well and after an evening of fussiness she pretty much just slept it off.

many adventures

We're almost recovered from the big week that I was taking deep breaths about last week. Good times were had and everything got done.

Birthday party. Check.

the party was on Earth Day so we made bird feeders out of pinecones. it was really fun!

birthday shortcakes with Liz's Power Puff Girl on top

Liz with her shortcake

Trip to the House of Worship and playing with the Allmarts and my family. Check.

Maya was the first one ready to go, with her backpack and her doll, named Jackson, in her Baby Bjorn-type thing

Maya, Amia, and Georgia playing with grown-up legs as tunnels at the Allmarts. The girls commenced playing as soon as we got there.

Liza conducted a very successful fieldtrip

and, of course, hilarity ensued.

Amia wasn't too sure about her mom holding another baby (Teresa) but they enjoyed each other for the most part

And we were so happy to meet up with my Grandma Patty, who got to see Teresa for the first time.

Quilting lesson for Home's Cool Playgroup. Check.

Here's the finished product, after the kids made their squares and I put it all together.

Festival of Ridvan (Celebration of the Ninth Day of Ridvan). Check.

Liz is welcoming Teresa so she will be happy to be at the Holy Day celebration

Phew! That's a lot of pictures. It was so great to visit with Husayn, Suzanne, and Amia, but it was way too short. We need to spend longer there next time.

baby bird

I have a big post in the works with pictures from all our adventures, but right now I just have to tell you that after taking out the trash just now I checked on the little bird's nest in a bush in our backyard and there was a little tiny baby bird in it! It was so small that I didn't see it at first, but then I saw it's little head up above the edge of the nest, small as the tip of my pinkie finger and no feathers yet, with it's little beak wide open and eyes closed, head wobbling around, hoping that mama bird was going to put some food in there right now! and it was the exact same wobbly headedness that Teresa does when she is all sleepy and looking for her food with her mouth. But that little birdie was all alone, although I'm sure mama bird was close by somewhere, getting wormy food for it's little 'un, and I felt such a huge pain in my chest, not really physical, but really overwhelming, for the vulnerability of all these little wobbly headed babies. Ouch! So intense, I can't take it! These mothering hormones are really serious. I had to come inside and make sure my sleeping baby was alright. She was. OK, I will try to start breathing normally again.