Why Lemony?
(the “About Me” page)

November 02, 2007

Some more Day 4


Here's a weird internal thing. I have spent so little time just with myself in reflection and had so few moments where I felt I could really think things through that I've become sort of a stranger to myself. It became very acute just as I was leaving for this trip because I didn't know how to put my mind around doing something alone for so long. It got to where I would look in the mirror and get really uncomfortable because at some level I didn't recognize myself. So when I got in the car and started off, I felt really anxious at being alone with this person I didn't know. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Who would I be without my kids? They define my every movement and most of my thoughts. All signs that I REALLY NEEDED this trip. It took about a day and a half of feeling really uncomfortable and strange before it started to shift. Listening to whatever music I wanted to helped. Striving to do something new and challenging helped. What really cured me of that awful feeling, though, was arriving at this beautiful B&B that I had arranged for myself and finding a loving hostess that made me feel really special, like I was her favorite customer, and all the fun things about that place. It cured me because I made that happen. I did that for myself weeks ago, and now I felt that love and that part of me that loved me had my full attention. I got settled, took a walk in the woods, took lots of pictures, and had a wonderful evening of reminiscing with my aunt and uncle, who also praised my adventurousness and self-care. Good Stuff. I decided it was high time I turned all my mothering skills onto my own poor self and be the only child for a while. Now that I know so much more about mothering, I can do a much better job taking care of my inner child and helping myself grow and be healthy. It is very clear to me that this will help me be of service to others because I have to be able to be aware of myself and my feelings in order to be aware of my love for people.

The next thing that happened was that I got really weirded out at how many different sorts of voices I had going in my head. When I started paying attention to it all, there was a lot there. I had to be really patient with myself when I started to get whiny or timid and just pick a different voice to listen to. I had to calm myself any time my mind raced forward to the next thing I had planned, and the next and the next, and just try to be present in the moment. I realized how although this was an important strategy when caring for little kids and babies, it was counter-productive when I was alone. It seems to be from a feeling that the present and where I am at that moment are not enough. But there's so much in this moment that those little kids could benefit from. I might be able to think of an important story to share or notice something about them that needed attention.

I can see why people who are alone for long periods end up talking to themselves. The internal dialog is going on anyways. Why not voice it? I didn't go quite that far, but I think a few more days and I would have.

Now, having re-entered an intensely social life, I feel confident and aware of my needs and able to appreciate people and see them. Basically, I can think straight.

Posted by Bahiyyih at November 2, 2007 09:45 AM