October 14, 2004
Come out of my head, me
I've been feeling very 'internal' lately, as Billy gently puts it. He noted that this happened at some point with each pregnancy, where I pay a lot of attention to the baby inside and have my own, very hormonal logic for doing things, with lots of nesting and planning going on. It tends to leave less room on my plate for the immediate here and now and I get forgetful and wrapped up in whatever I'm doing. And I have a tendency to get intense about projects anyways, so pregnancy just brings this out. I'm thinking about a plan for labor, trying to get all the physical things I'll need for the baby all ready- clothes, food prepared and frozen- and get the kids ready- labor intensive (for mom) behaviors reduced, encouraging them to broaden their mindset about what the family is so there's room for baby (they've already got lots of room for her in their hearts, and regularly 'kiss the baby')- and get me ready in as many ways as I can, and think of all the people to ask for help through the intense chaos that is birth.
I've been working on a quilt for my baby girl and it's getting close to done. It was great fun to pick out whatever fabrics were the most exciting to me and put them all together. I've learned so much under Amy's tutelage, and just from the process itself. I've learned that sewing keeps me out of trouble- it's a constructive thing to do at home with the kids when they're busy playing and I need a way to focus my thoughts. And they tolerate me doing it a lot better than me reading or doing anything at the computer. They want me to make this quilt for the baby, so they're willing to be cooperative. It also keeps me warm to sit under a quilt all folded up on my lap- I'll have to remember that this winter when I get too cold. My big goal with this (my first 'real') quilt has been to not get fussy, just do it as simply as possible so it will get done. That's a good goal for me, because I get frustrated when I have grand dreams for projects but don't have any of the skills yet to carry them out.
It's been really great having Billy back at home on the weekends and evenings. I don't feel so harried and pushed past my limits, and the kids are a lot happier. We missed him! We got right back into our house projects last weekend and worked on planting (bushes) and painting (a coffee table). It felt so good! The kids had a great time helping out with the painting too.
Oh! and Georiga turned 5 on Monday. Yeah! She keeps growing out of her clothes and out of old ways of doing things that don't fit her anymore. She's become my 'superhelper' and always wants to help Maya get dressed and go potty. Maya sometimes tolerates this, sometimes not (much to Georgia's distress). She keeps growing in her reading and writing skills, and it's SO FUN for me to watch her grow in these things that are such a big part of my own life. She told me her goal in learning to read is so she can read to Maya. How heartbreakingly sweet is that!
Here's Georgia wearing her birthday wish- a fairy-princess-ballet dress- at her party at Nana's house, and showing Nana her magic wand.
One of the first things my cousin told me about a week after I found out I was pregnant with Amia was how introspective she became right before the baby came. At the time I was like, 'oh, that's nice,' but then in my last trimester with Amia I was like 'oh, that's what you're talking about.' I remember sitting with a group of people and just feeling so out of it, like I just didn't have any interest in large groups anymore. Even one-on-one interactions changed a lot for me. I was just so focused on Amia and gathering up my inner resources for all of the huge changes ahead. I remember complaining to Husayn about how quiet and withdrawn I felt myself becoming even in the company of good friends, but he just said, "Amia's your voice right now. You don't have to say anything." For me, this intense introspection even lasted for a few weeks after Amia was born. I don't think I ever heard about this whole inward-looking phenomenon at any of the pre-natal classes or pregnancy books, but it does seem to be such a common thing. I want to know about what your experience has been like. Has it been different with each pregnancy?
Posted by: Suzanne at October 17, 2004 12:31 AMI think the big difference between the pregnancies with regard to introspection has been only how comfortable I was with the fact that it was happening. As with many things the first time around, because everything was new, it made me worried because I already have a tendency to isolate myself and usually it's a bad thing. I felt misunderstood sometimes and like noone could understand what it was like (being in graduate school didn't help that AT ALL), so that's not good, but it was still an amazing bonding process for me and the baby. But with the second one I knew it was going to happen, so it was ok and I distinctly remember feeling so special or something hard to describe but really good and very driving- that's the nesting coming in, I guess. And with this one I just feel like it's important work that I need to do to connect with this baby and prepare myself and prepare a place for her in the family in every way. And if I put it off, it just comes on stronger when I do give in to it. It's like something I could put on a to do list: 'be introspective to bond with baby' because it really takes time and space and I can't always multitask and do it while I'm doing something else. It's like meditation or something.
Posted by: Bahiyyih at October 17, 2004 09:47 AM